I Think I Can: Raising Optimistic Kids

While genetics DOES play a role in determining kids’ attitudes, there is good evidence that we can help kids look on the bright side more often.

Are you frustrated to hear your child mutter, “Why bother? I won’t make the team” or “It doesn’t matter. I can’t get an A?” Children today face enormous academic and social pressures, but an attitude of passive resignation isn’t healthy. Martin Seligman, Ph.D., lead researcher for the Pennsylvania Resiliency Project and author of Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life (Vintage; $15) describes three benefits of optimism you’ll want for your child: Better health, greater academic and extracurricular performance, and the motivation to keep trying when times are tough.

Optimists experience less physical distress in challenging situations than pessimists and have stronger immune systems, according to 25 years of research conducted by Michael Scheier, Ph.D., and his colleagues at Carnegie Mellon University. Optimists live longer and happier lives. In addition, optimists are achievers. Studies show optimistic youth get higher grades and perform better in athletic competition than pessimists, even when they are led to believe their earlier performance was not so good. These benefits are fueled by optimists’ tendency to give extra effort in challenging situations — optimists believe hard work pays off.

While genetics play some role in determining kids’ attitudes, there is good evidence we can help kids look on the bright side more often. Seligman calls this “psychological immunization” against depression. Here are some strategies to help your child think and act optimistically in today’s pessimistic culture.

“Happiness depends largely on the feeling that what we do matters and is valued by others. Without that feeling, we fear we might be excluded from the group, and research shows that what human beings fear more than anything is exclusion.”

— Bob Murray, author of Raising an Optimistic Child: A Proven Plan for Depression-Proofing Young Children (McGraw-Hill)

Practice thought watching

Learn to spot your child’s negative self-talk. Kids often express negative thoughts aloud: “My hair looks ugly,” or “I don’t have any friends.” Help your child reject unfavorable thoughts. Encourage your child to police his thoughts for “bad beliefs” by acting as his very own thought cop.

Model optimistic self-talk

Talk with your child (over breakfast or on the way to school) about what might happen today. Perhaps you have an important meeting or are attending a playgroup together. Share your excitement with your child. Say, “I’ll have a chance to present my ideas,” or “I might make a new friend.” Don’t be afraid to mention coming events that concern you, but focus on potential joys, rather than fears of the unknown.